About YYY ’::. _________H ,%%&%, /\ _ \%&&%%&% / \___/^\___\%&%%&& | | [] [] |%\Y&%’ | | .-. | || ~~@._|@@_|||_@@|~||~~~~~~~~~ `“”“) )”"` You know when Mitski said she needs to scream the name of the one she loves atop of every roof in the city of her heart? Yeah. This would be my rooftop where I scream the names of all those whom I’ve loved and how much I love them, because I simply do not want to forget this part of me. Because I’ve learned two things: One, forgetting your own history is to allow past mistakes to happen again. Two, if you don’t cherish the good moments and the small wins, you will lose hold of everything at some point. The world is horrible and life is violent, but it is still getting worse with each passing day, and I am not here to praise despair. In order to survive I need strength, and to have strength I need to love. I must not forget this. YYY stands for ’yearn, yap, yawn’ or ’yay, yippie, yahoo!’ if you will. Gọi YYY là nhà thương của tôi vì đây là nơi tôi thương người nhà. Enjoy your stay. — Yours truly. Tampere Bureaucracy 19 May 2025 Tried to book an appointment today from Osviitta — I’ve totally forgotten how insanely restrictive service in English is here in Finland. They’re open 11 hours a day, five days a week and has 7 workers, but somehow on Monday morning when I asked for free time, their only next was Thursday afternoon. I forgot that here, you have to schedule everything a week beforehand. No you can’t experience something in the weekend and decide to get help the following week. I’ve forgotten how inaccessible services — especially mental health services — are for foreigners. I ended up opting for a call session from Helsinki Missio — I hate phone calls, but what I hate even more is endless bureaucracy standing in the way of what should’ve been life-supporting services. At least H.M is transparent about their available time and seemed more professional — and they have slots available today. Call went okay. M Boundaries 19 May 2025 18.05.2025 ========== I muted you, and felt like a fucking criminal. Not being able to help a friend would make me feel bad, but dropping my partner mid- convo while she was crying makes me feel like an actual monster. My guilt was biting at me, and no matter what I do it gets hard to breathe everytime I try to lay down. I was palpitating. I got up. I wrote. I lied down again trying to convince myself that it is okay to let you know I needed rest for the coming week and that you’d understand. Doesn’t work. Feel like I’ve abandoned you. Feel like you made me watch you being swept into the stream of a waterfall while my hands are tied. I react by dissociating from the situation, and then spend the rest of my night feeling like I pushed you into the waterfall. Like I am fully responsible for your suffering, or for the rescue. I know it doesn’t make any rational sense, it doesn’t matter. I’m mad at everything. I’m mad at the world, at myself. I can’t sleep on anger. 1 AM. Went to the kitchen to eat something. I tried every trick in my bag to distract myself and get rid of the guilt, Eleanor Shellstrope style, real Arizona dirtbag fashion. Doesn’t work. I took my phone and deleted the messages where you said you were crying and how your eyes hurt, then came back to bed and spoke aloud to myself that nothing ever happened, that everything is fine. Full-on reality denying at this point, but it helped getting rid of the palpitation. I can now breathe while lying down, but I can’t sleep. 1:36 AM. After rolling around in bed (at this point I started blaming caffeine for my sleeplessness and not whatever my brain was putting me through) I took your scarf into bed and cuddled with it. Soon I started crying, a lot, while repeatedly telling the scarf that I’m so sorry, that I didn’t mean to. I fell asleep shortly afterwards. I woke up at 6:26 AM. Tried to get back to sleep with no success. I started the day browsing through different crisis helplines and services. 19.05.2025 ========== About an hour after work, I had a phone appointment with Helsinkin Missio and bawled my eyes out with a crisis worker about last night. I think my shrink was right that me abstaining from helping you beyond my capacity is healthy for me, and more sustainable for us. Because if I were to break all my boundaries to be with you, that wouldn’t be sustainable. I will soon break, snap, or throw a tantrum by vanishing into no-contact and total avoidance. It’s easy to repeat old patterns when we’re more unstable. When I’ve stretched my boundaries so much as to not only spend the whole day with you on Saturday, but also allow you to stay the night; I was expecting you to also compromise and understand that I’ve made space for you, that when I need space for work you will also let me have it. And you tried giving me space, I know you did. But when you attempted to prolong yet again, trying to meet on Sunday afternoon, and then fill me in with the streams of update on how miserable you’re doing — despite me being very clear about not being mentally available — I snap. I felt like you just didn’t savor the time we spent together just the day before, that more is more, that someone I trust is attempting to tread on my lines again. I got defensive, I went back to my avoidant pattern, and then punished myself for it. Because I don’t want to be avoiding you. You’re my partner and I care about you a debilitating amount. I felt like I deserve jailtime after telling you that I must go to sleep. My god. But I helped myself. That’s the thing about me. I called the crisis helpline to deal with my acute stress, to work on my own issues, detangle my own thoughts, and regulate my own emotions about the topic. That takes effort (it’s freaking Monday, and I had to go through a list of different services before landing on HM because none of the ones in Tampere would even give me an appointment this week), but I can make it work. I help myself because I know that by proxy, that’ll help you. I know this is the only way things can work in the long run: both of us independently practicing some ways to put on our own oxygen mask — i.e finding new ways to cope — in case the other person is lying unconscious on the burning airplane that is our violent life. Relying without depending is a learned skill. For now, I will abstain from instant communication (my hyperalert, sleep-deprived system needs time to calm down, and nothing is more overstimulating than chatting apps), but communication is important so I’ll keep in touch with these longwinding letters. Talking it out would be a good first step. What’s for the future? Safe word, maybe? I will continue to keep an eye out for things that you mentioned you wanted help with, like housing, physical activities,… I want to help with the things that would really improve your life quality and not just comfort you whenever you’re in pain — you know I’m not that kind of a person who prefers to “treat” only the symptom of the problem. I don’t want to be a therapist, someone to help with acute problems, but someone you can rely on in the long term. As of late, I’ve read your messages and I’m glad you didn’t abandon yourself, and that you’ve been able to find joy in your day. You know I’m proud of you, and thanks for trying. I hope to talk to you soon when my schedule gets less stressful and I’m in a healthier place. Love, *smorches | + | / \ | / I \ |+;--resisted —-;+ | ’the urge to’ | /buy chips\ | / today \ | /+=“’ ’”=+\ M The switch 8 December 2024 This entry is about the first time I talked to M during a switch. It’s divided to two parts — the first part is a conversation with M on December 5 after the occurence, the second is a letter I wrote to her on December 8. December 5th, 2024 M: Sweetie.. :( T: Yeah? M: I’m sorry about last night… I can’t remember much of what happened but I just remember feeling pretty bad… T: What are you talking about? You did nothing wrong 😭 No need to apologizee 🫂. I was going on my cynical rant and it brought you down, I think I should be the one responsible here. M: Ok :( I don’t remember that much T: :’( it’s okay darling, I do remember, and you don’t need to apologize *holds you tight* M: *holds you… What happened? :( I remember you crying too… Idk why but my memory isn’t fully there. I remember switching with someone too. T: Mhm, it’s okay baby. I think at some point you switched to another person so it’d make sense if your memory is not there fully. Do you want me to tell you the whole thing or? M: Hmm… I guess just what we were talking about… T: Well, we were just cuddling and you called me some endearing names (as usual), and then said that I’m the ’love of your life’. And then I started going on about how I don’t like that sentence, because “nothing is for life” etc <--- I gotta say, I should’ve been more careful because at the beginning when we do mood check you already said you were tired :( And we were discussing back n forth about what you mean by that / what I think it means,... I think you were silent for a bit when I made my point. And then we resolved to joking about it to lighten the mood. Nothing was serious, but I joked abt you not knowing the scientific method(?) well, and then you fell silent again. I think the last thing I heard from you was “I feel depressed”, I apologized for making you feel bad, and then you texted me “I still love you” in the chat. And then next thing I know I was taking with the other person. M: I see… T: Does this helps? M: Yeah… I suppose T: Mhm… How are you feeling now? M: I’m just really tired rn… but I gotta take a shower before I sleep… T: Okay,,,, :( Take ur shower sweetie. Warm water will make you feel better M: I wanna still talk with you today tho… :( I just need a moment to process stuff… M: Re: And then I started going on… I’m sorry… I shouldn’t say that if it makes you uncomfortable… I guess I just… really want to be with you and stay with you… you’re important to me and I love you… I suppose I really am the idealist hopeless romantic type lol… but still… I didn’t wanna make you feel like you hurt me or make you cry like you did… Idk… maybe I just feel like that’s my fault in some way… Re: And we were discussing back… Ah… I remember that somewhat… I don’t know why that hurt me in a way… it was just a joke… T: Baby, it was resolved and it’s over now 🫂 You didn’t hurt me, I only cried because I cared about you and I was worried that you will get hurt, bc I knew other stubborn romantics who got hurt. Please don’t blame yourself my darling. Yesterday you encountered a part of me that you very rarely see, I can understand if my way of speaking that night brought you down, because that part often bring me down as well. M: Ok… :( Sorry I don’t remember… T: I don’t mind it, I have these moments too you know :’) I’ll help you if you forget something, as you’d done for me. M: :’( Mhm… Thank you 🫂🫂 December 8th, 2024 To M: Hey love, I hope this letter finds you well. I noticed last night that you seemed to abstain from saying that one sentence you’d say to me that I find super cheesy and often react to, and I wonder if it was because I threw a fit about it the other day :( Although I often quarrel with you about your overtly romantic language, please know that you continuously bring out the best of me when you’re being yourself, fully and authentically. And I’m sorry for snapping sometimes like a grumpy old man while you’re just expressing affection, I know you mean well, I was just not used to it. These knee-jerk reactions came from my own insecurities, and I don’t want you to abstain from showing your love, or police your love language somehow to make me happy. I want you to be able to tell me anything (and I mean anything!) and I’d still be able to listen and be glad you told me, because you deserve this acceptance, especially from your partner. I am happy that you would consider the words I’m comfy with before you speak, but baby, I will never be ashamed (anymore) when you say you love me, so don’t hold back, ok? :) Here’s what I told you (or at least a brief review of it) the other night when you switched, I don’t know if you were aware of or remembered any of them, but I’ll remind you again: When I said something cynical and then added “I’m just being realistic”, I don’t mean to give the impression that I’m a “realist” in the sense of an all-analyzing, all-calculating rationalist lizard. You know I’m not that one-dimensional and flat-minded. I would rather describe myself as a post-romantic, someone who has outgrown romanticism for survival purposes. Because sometimes, to cope with the reality of things, one can’t just keep one’s ideals while making compromises with the world, one might change one’s ideals and morph one’s entire system. You may call it sad, I called it resilience ―it’s the way I fight. I know other people (hell, I’m even besties with some) who, like you, embraced their romanticism in order to survive, to stay grounded and stay sane. I know that yours isn’t a naïve, thoughtless romanticism, but a form of resistance ―it’s the way you fight your battles, and I respect that. I guess most of us were born with the same building blocks, though most of us were raised in different contexts and problems, but surely... we all did our best to protect ourselves and stay in the game. So... here’s to differences, here’s to struggle, here’s to love and our mutual existence in the now (I clink a virtual toast with you). And remember, I will love you anyway. M FUNeral 3 December 2024 1 month anniversary, conversation with M about what to say at each other’s funeral. M: But yeah, if I remember and happen to witness your funeral (if I haven’t already killed myself cus life without you is kinda lame and pointless) I’ll just say “he ate fr... toast, to be specific” T: HFJDKSDF HELPSHJKF. I need to like, put this on my grave or something M: LMFAOOO T: Omg honestly my dream tombstone M: Yeah, I figured T: Like you know those tombstones that have “philosopher, poet, failure”? Cringe. I’d like mine to say “he ate fr... toast, to be specific.” M: Philosopher, poet, failure fits me so well. T: HJKSDG. punches you M: Owwie. Wth? T: You won my heart, not a failure M: AWWWWW OKKKK THE CHEESE STORE IS THAT WAY 😭😭😭😭 T: 😌 thanks, I learned from the best. ; . ; —|- ; | ; .--’~~~’--. ; .’ ’. ; | philosopher,| ; | poet, winner| ; | of a certain| ; | someone’s | ; | heart | ;\\| |// ;^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ M Let’s hold each other 2 December 2024 accountable To M: My ribs hurt from all the coughing. Yesterday I’ve slept for at least 20 hours no less. I thought I’d recover. I ate well. I thought I’d recover. Instead I had like 2 fevers yesternight and today, no work done. I am really, really depressed. If I tell you about it, you’d cry, no jokes. I’ll save you the troubles. It all boils down to the fact that I couldn’t recover, not as fast as I’d expected. And that could’ve been fine, if this wasn’t the most crucial time of the year for me both in school and at work. I really, truly, cannot fucking afford to screw it this time, I can go down by myself but I cannot blow the work of several groups. Every. fucking. one. is waiting because I caught this stupid cold. I need to either get well or fucking die. May death be kinder than man. <--- Sorry about that. Let me tell you something else. I want to ask something from you. I want to ask us to do a mood check before we call. Last time when we called, you were tired, I was tired, we were both exhausted. There was one more thing I didn’t tell you, and this is on me, but I drank that night. I’m sorry, it’s just that I know mentioning drinking will trigger something in you so I somehow just didn’t say it. I had some hard liquor before we called. I usually only do that when I had to socialize with e.g a big group and got no energy, but on Friday I was already drinking during the day just to keep ms up (since caffeine and Efferagan won’t do anything anymore), so idk. I was more than exhausted. I just wanted to stay up at least for your injection. Ofc, I didn’t expect the call to last 8 hours. You seemed to forget that I’m not an insomniac and that I’m also physically sick. You were tired. And I was unstable, so I didn’t stop rolling with you til I felt like passing out. I knew time and time again that you had no intention to stop me from rolling, so I’d expect myself to be one to draw the line and end the call. But I fail to do so when I’m tired. Sometimes, in order to not roll too far, I’d choose to not roll at all and just evade the calling altogether. I’m not saying our 8 hours call was the reason why I’m still not recovering, and I’m not saying it’s Your Fault (obviously it takes two to tango). I’m just saying: I don’t want this to happen again. I was irresponsible with my health and acted on impulse, I admit that. But I also want you to be more aware of calling time: sleeping is good for health. And I want us to do the mood check thing: if we’re both too tired, let’s not call. You’re free to suggest something else, but let’s try and hold each other accountable, ok? I am telling you all of this because I love you and I want us to work. I want to be straightforward and transparent with my partner. So when I address things, please don’t perceive it as me liking you less or that I want to leave. I don’t want to leave, not you, not the calls. You know I love spending time with you and how much joy your voice can give me even when I’m at my lowest. It’s just that right now, financial stability and (to an extent) survival is higher on my priority than joy. The joy I get from laugh and comfort could only lift my mood but doesn’t solve the root problem that causes all this dread. And you know me, I am skeptical of all things joyful, I tend to think that I live in the Huxleyan dystopia where ppl are ruined by the things they love, so please, don’t prove I’m right. If you love me, be considerate of things that could hinder my work, it is my only way out of all this terror. That’s all I wanted to say... Thank you, my love. I hope the message find you well. Thank you for all the small updates, I will reply to them when I feel more stable. I love you. Have a good night. #love is a verb it’s a verb. M: Sweetheart, thank you… Thank you for telling me /gen. I really hope you get better soon… and you’re right, the mood check is a good idea. I want to say I truly appreciate you being transparent about boundaries, I will do my best to respect them /gen. And darling, please don’t be scared to tell me if you’re drinking, I’m fine with it so long as you tell me. And… indeed… I sometimes forget that not everyone is an insomniac like me… I apologise for that. It was my mistake to keep you up knowing you’re sick, I won’t do that again. I love you and that means I want to do what you say is best for you. T: Thank you :’) And of course, you should also hold me accountable if something I did made you unhappy. M: Mhm, I’ll keep that in mind, I try to be transparent with you, always. Cus I think you deserve that, especially from your partner. M A poem 28 November 2024 From M: I found this really pretty native American poem and wanted to send it to you ^^ | “Love me with the humble certainty of your love, and I will never | leave... | And if I am in a distant sky, I will find my way back to your | thoughts... | And if you are with me, I will teach you to fly... | And you will teach me to stay. | Love me with every part of you, so I can belong to the soul and | not the body when I hold you or kiss your forms. | Love me without hiding that tenderness that makes you a child in | my eyes, and never be ashamed if I tell you ’I love you’. | Love me, no matter what form our love takes or the place where we | exchange another glance.” ⁂ T: Thanks for sending me this... It’s a beautiful poem.. and so sweeeet,, Also I made some sketches when I received the poem you sent, but havent gotten time to refine them :( M: Awww, you can send them to me when they’re ready :) And yeah, I sent it to you cus I was like “damn, yeah this basically describes how I feel abt you” :))))) T: *dies M: Awwww *hugs. Mmm,,, mä rakastan sua maailman ympäri ja takasin! T: Literally how do i get over this. There is nothing I can say that can use as a comeback to that ok. The humble certainty of your love??? Demonstrated. M everything is falling apart, yes 22 November 2024 I am I love you. I would want to spend the whole day loving you, having conversations, hearing your thoughts, crying, laughing, enjoying the silent breaks. When we lied down and explored each other, and explored worlds together, side by side, hand in hand, I felt removed from the terrors of this world. I felt as if we were in this small, safe idyll, outside the confines of time, the restriction of space, the violence of tasks and work, the peering eyes of normative society and its endless masquerading and role-playing. I felt like we used our presence to carve out a space of our own where we can rest, care, and be cared for, wherein fosters a culture of resilience. We help each other, it makes us wise. I finally understood why all systems that seek to control made it their first priority to divide, to alienate, and to prevent humans connection. We do know that everything becomes dust — And yet we love, and yet we dance, it is our protest. ^ mf lovers will wake up from a fever-induced coma n write shit like this smfh /lh Misc I’ll be your real tough cookie 20 November 2024 with a whiskey breath a.k.a the YYY origin story. I was scrolling through tp’s blog, “Cause of our death”[1] — I’ll never get tired of the deliberate amount of Big Thief references. It genuinely fucking sucks, the way I’d read through those Tumblr writing collections, series of images of proses, poetry, screen scripts, song lyrics, etc... In other words, words. Text. Hopelessly romantic texts that I, now, hopelessly relate to as I’ve found love. “Cause of our death”, like most Tumblr blogs, was a void to scream at. A stream of things, curated things that are endless reflection of ourself. Our thoughts in other people’s words. Our thoughts in our own words. I want to create something like that. I was thinking of René Coignard’s weblog engine[2] and the beautiful pages which it renders, the simplicity and true content-centric nature of it. It was something roughly demonstrated on tp’s Tumblr theme for that blog as well, except with true minimalism. But yeah, I want to keep the concept but change the medium. Maybe that’s more tedious than I thought but we’ll get back to it. You know when Mitski said she needs to scream the name of the one she loves atop of every roof in the city of her heart? Yeah. This would be my rooftop where I scream the names of all those whom I’ve loved and how much I love them, because I simply do not want to forget this part of me. Because I’ve learned two things: One, forgetting your own history is to allow past mistakes to happen again. Two, if you don’t cherish the good moments and the small wins, you will lose hold of everything at some point. The world is horrible and life is violent, but it is still getting worse with each passing day, and I am not here to praise despair. In order to survive I need strength, and to have strength I need to love. I must not forget this. The “blog” (if I could call it that) would be quite obscure, like an esoteric location. Yes you will have to modify the URL to browse things (there is no user interface). Yes the navigation is mystery meat and the tags are hard to follow. That’s the point. A stream of content catering to no one besides myself and my hyperspecific need. It’s a quiet place for me to scream, and not much else. Key word here is quiet. I need not see anything or anyone else here, there’s no traffic, no 3rd party, no takedown or modification of content upon anyone’s request. It is visible and hidden. I scream on the rooftop and you, readers, are at the ground floor heeding my words for as long as you care to. You will not interact with the screaming person, you respect my catharsis and leave me unbothered. That’s my own vision of the perfect ass weblog. [1] causeofourdeath.tumblr.com [2] coignard.org/weblog M Hunger 12 November 2024 | “It took me years to understand that at the root of hunger was | being disrespected, feeling unloved.” | | “Hunger is by design. It is as American as apple pie.” You | argue that for generations, people have been so misguided in | thinking that hunger has anything to do with food. In fact, | hunger is a history of power, violence, and intergenerational | trauma. Will you tell us more about what you call the “wounds | of domination” that directly cause hunger? From the MIT Press Reader, “Hunger Isn’t About Food; It’s About Power”. Oct 15, 2024 ————— To M: I know it’s only Tuesday (insert that it’s only Tuesday and I’ve already given my all meme) but,, here goes an early letter cause I’m having time to write it. I just attended a webinar from Botswana, it was part of a series on food security / sovereignty in Africa, and this time’s topic was “The praxis of community transformation”. It was... something I needed to hear today, there was none of that academia pretentiousness, and one of the speakers is a healer / practitioner of African spirituality who brought a great sense of hope and empathy to a discussion that would just otherwise be filled to the brim with destruction and trauma. There is a lot to process, but I was thinking of how the first thing that got me into my field was a book about food crisis / critique of industrial agriculture. Even now I’m being part of a study on food security, challenging agricultural practice in Sweden. I get excited to do gardening, even though I suck at it, and I loved gardening / permaculture analogies in web development. I thought of how no matter where I go, I inevitably ended up with food systems and the soil somehow. I hope you are doing well. I have been sort of restlessly busy. Although I like my job, outside of it I’m under a lot of pressure from school deadlines (ugh), financing, and all sorts of prepping for my next year’s survival that I have little time to rest or take care of myself, but I’m trying my best. Yesterday I went home after work and took a 2 hours nap before waking up and working on school assignments til past 10pm. But at least, mentally, I feel well supported. I think of you holding me when I try to rest and I think of you when I wake up, and it makes me more stable / less terrorized (to certain extents I am trying to convince my system that your participation in my life is helpful so they will stop this madness and let me talk to you). Tomorrow I have to present my thesis topic, and then either tomorrow or Thursday I’ll meet with my new supervisor because there were some issues and I needed to rescope my study again. And then on Friday an early morning interview (for school, kms), and another meeting at 2pm. Right now I am working on a not-extremely-urgent-task so I feel I have the time to write to you. And also, I guess just... being reminded of how fragile the world is makes me want to check on you immediately. I don’t know where this is going. I just want to say I love you, and thank you for your patience and your big heart, and I will send you a thousand hugs and kisses. Please, try to get some sleep, and I hope you have a good day today. Thank you, mu ráhkis, you crazy diamond, my love. Until next time. M Confessional 9 November 2024 | “I am terrible,” I would say. “I have terrible thoughts. | I have terrible feelings. I am terrible.” | | “You are not terrible,” you would respond, holding my hands | between yours. “I love you. I can see that you are not | terrible. I can feel it.” | | So we would go to sleep, me curled up in your arms, feeling *not | terrible*. | | But then you would come home and sit on the floor. “I am | awful,” you would confess. “There are things you don’t know | about me. Things you are blind to.” | | “What things?” I would ask. But you would be too ashamed to | say. “I never have the right words,” you would eventually | admit. “It makes me look so stupid. I am so embarrassing. | How can you not be embarrassed of me?” | | And I would hug you. | | “You are not awful. I am not embarrassed of you. I am proud | of you. I love you. I love you.” | | Wasn’t it all so confessional? Each of us, alternately finding | things we thought made us the most abhorrent beings on the | planet. At night, confessing our existence as sins. “I am | awful. I am terrible. I am flawed.” | | I think we were trying to say: “There are days when I feel so | unlovable.” | | I think we were trying to say: “On days like these, will you | love me anyway?” | | And when one of us had finished confessing, we’d fall into the | other’s orbit. The other could always be relied upon to keep us | there. | | So when we asked the question in our convoluted way, (“Will you | love me anyway?”) | | The answer, as sure as gravity, would be, yes. | | Yes, I will love you anyway. — Sue Zhao M Fireworks 7 November 2024 From M: Hi,, I just woke up. Thanks for the call last night /gen. Even tho I cried a lot, again,,, it was nice and needed… Thank you for being supportive as well, it helped a lot. I hope you have a good day today darling. I’ll ofcourse miss you lots, but do keep me updated with your letters <3 I love you, more than I can say. When I’m allowed to love, it comes with a lot of baggage… trauma, pain and fear from past experiences, and this makes me often feel like I’m too hard to love, too difficult to handle and have a relationship with, and that once someone sees this side of me, they will quickly grow tired of me (damn it Mitski… why do you just get me…) which is why love terrifies me lol. So… I want to thank you… thank you for continuing to love me despite all of it, thank you for making me feel like maybe, just maybe I can deserve this for once :) It’s like, when I’m not given the green light to love, there’s a dam that holds all of it in and makes me presentable, easier to handle. So thank you, my love, for accepting this side of me, it makes me feel a lot better about it *smorch <3 [...] I listened to your recording of Fireworks again and it made me cry a bit, but it also makes me happy when I listen to it,, I am so glad I can be in your life and make you happy too, mu ráhkis <3 Sometimes I have intrusive thoughts like “I wish you would just leave me already so I can atleast go back to what feels familiar to me...” or “I should make myself leave you and push you away” but most of the time I don’t feel that way and I’m glad I haven’t done that. You’re right, it’s not good to do future projection shit or to expect the worst outcome, it’s a bad habit of mine. I’ll try to be more hopeful and live in the moment. We have eachother and that’s not just gonna end out of nowhere <3 And perhaps over time I’ll feel more and more secure in that :) M Scared of what we don’t 31 October 2024 understand, right energy in the wrong place | you can still turn the tables now and | do something awful. say words that | you won’t keep. exploit known | vulnerabilities. break boundaries. | find an excuse to go abroad and then | erase your previous existence | including all online footprints, the | sooner you do it the less friction | there will be, the time is now… | | | | my dude, what’s so scary | | about happiness? / | / / | me, petrified ⇢ ⚆ ⚉ | ⇡ | the creative side of me plotting | and scheming 748837592 different | ways to ward you off and keep | distance ————— To M: I know that at some point when we were with each other, I have shared with you something in the way I would’ve never shared with someone I’m just having casual sex with. But I keep saying that we’re casual and that you don’t mean that much to me and I hold on to that with the hope that I will manifest it into a reality. I know that sounds almost like a cry for help. But alas, I am a master of putting up walls, and that one very alarmed braincell of mine has never ceased to tell me to cut if off and leave you entirely. It perceives you as such a threat to my system because it genuinely doesn’t know what to make of this newfound happiness, nor does it know what to do with it other than pushing it away or maintaining a “safe enough” distance from it at all costs. I can get mushy and vulnerable and sweet from time to time, as long as I come back to hypocrisy after my playful flirting with sincerity. As long as I come back to my “core” and stay apathetic after everything, that one braincell of mine is pleased. Perhaps it is most pissed off about the way that you continuously persuade me to believe that I am good, enough, or matter, anything of the sort. ⁂ From M: I miss you so much. I miss your touch, I miss feeling your breath on my skin, I miss holding your hand, pulling you close to me and feeling the warmth of your body, your smooth skin against mine. I miss the pretty scar on your chest, I miss how your lips feel on mine, I miss slowly kissing you and with every kiss opening our mouths just a bit more until one of us pushes their tongue inside the other’s mouth. I miss your marks on my neck, I miss how it feels when you mark and bite me at the same time, I miss the euphoria and adrenaline rush of that pain. I miss feeling your hand grab my hair, I miss just hugging you in the heat of the moment. I miss gently holding you, rubbing your body with my hands and kissing you lovingly, reminding you that you’re safe with me. I miss showing you all the affection within me which I simply can’t express through words. I miss all of you, I want you and I need you with every cell in my body, I want to hold you in my arms and feel your forehead against mine. I want to make you feel full and at peace, loved and appreciated. M Retired from joy, new career in 20 October 2024 academia To M: I have read all your messages while thinking to myself “I hope my absence wasn’t too unbearable” and then I saw that you were listening to Mitski and I was like *audible gasp* NOOOOOO you poor thing… What have I doneee (raises fist and curses at the sky). I should’ve texted you beforehand, but I didn’t think that it’ll go on for this long, and to be quite honest I wasn’t aware how much time has passed, since I’m always busy with something + didn’t sleep in any regular pattern. So…yeah, sorry for going silent without notice! You probably wonder why I have been silent. Well, funny story. Some time before this week, devil in my brain was telling me hey maybe delete some of those perky social apps, you don’t need them plus you’ll direct more of your attention into work! I know, best idea ever (sarcasm). I was skeptical at first but after giving it some thoughts, I said “Well, you have a point” and gave in. That was a short, oversimplified explanation of why I wasn’t on ░░░░░░░░. The long story (and the not so funny one) is that, I have now entered my recluse era, i.e period of mild social deprivation where I purposefully induce stress to achieve specific things. Why? There could be many reasons: cause I want to, my urge to disappear every once in a while, me being semi-integrated into academia / researcher grindset, some dreadful life issues,… probably a combination of all. Point is, I fully intended to stay in this state and refuse to leave, at least until I reach my goal. If you’re thinking that this sounds rather… alarming, well, worry not! It’s all under control. Although I am under stress, it is well-contained and necessary stress. There were times this week when my anxiety peaked and tampered with my sleep (e.g woke me up at 5AM, like today), and sleep deprivation in general makes me a bit groggy. But nothing that caffein can’t fix. I have both done a lot of things and processed a large amount of new information this week, without facing a crash, burnout, or a paralyzing amount of anxiety. I’d say I’m doing quite well. Besides, I keep myself grounded by talking to local dog (this helps) and shamelessly crashing strangers’ graduation parties (free food, yippie). I’ve actually had quite interesting discussions with my colleagues as well, and my supervisor is very supportive & a lovely person so you know I’m in good hands. And to make it clear, I’m choosing to stay offline right now mostly out of my own will. I know it sounds like I’m in an abusive situationship with a job again, but my job isn’t actually demanding enough / I don’t care about it enough to sacrifice myself for some workplace achievement. This is about more than my job. My “work” in a personal sense excompasses my ability to create anything that is of value to me. I don’t draw my sense of worth and stability from some fragile structures of the capitalistic world, I draw it from my personal ability to create and grow inside and in spite of it. Working is personal to me, not only because it is my way of living and leaving my footprint, but also because it is my sweat, tears, and time away from my loved ones. By betting my valuables on it, I make sure that I work on the right things, and I make sure that I won’t fail. If the gain is worth the risk, I’ll take the devil’s advice and get shit done. We swag on I suppose. Anyway, I wanted to tell you more about the work I’m doing, but writing it all down will make this letter longer than China’s history of civil wars (what). I have some separate notes abt it, so let me know if you want to hear more about it in the foreseeable future. Yesterday I read all your messages and bawled my eyes out a little. You’re SO sweet, I’d probably want to take my own life if I were to wrong you someday. Sorry. Thank you for all the small updates, and thanks for the many hugs and smorches and all the small yet earnest showing of affection… I miss your therapy-shaped hugs and your tummy (my fave resting place!!) (I can personally testify that the second my face is in your tummy all the existing happiness indexes in the world go obsolete, like the joy it gives me is just immeasurable, you can’t even express it using orders of magnitude). Please know that you still have me even when I’m offline, and I still think about you, often when I try to rest. It’s unfortunate that I’ll rarely be online now. Although I feel bad about my absence, I’m glad that in my presence you can be genuinely happy, that you can just breathe, and just be. I wish you well on your endeavors, and hopefully visiting your grandma will be nice :) Also stay away from the Mitski albums smh (the inevitable fate of anyone who’s acquainted with me). I’ll see you when I see you, and until next time, take very good care of yourself. *smorch ⁂ From M: I’m doing well, I’m really happy that you’ve written me this letter and the previous one too (it sounded like a love letter /positive /lighthearted)! Don’t worry, your absence is bearable (barely, sometimes, but ahem moving on) and yeahhh, what can I say? Mitski is just really good and has some painfully relatable songs. I understand that you’re busy and that’s okay, thank you for letting me know so I don’t worry so much though. As long as you have things under control and aren’t keeping yourself together only with caffeine, it’s okay with me, I don’t wanna control your life or take things away from you lol. I’m glad to hear things have been going well and you’ve met nice people (and a dog aswell!), crashing parties for free food is always advisable (anarchist praxis /half-joke). If it’s your decision to stay offline for a while, I support you, as I always do, even if I do miss you a lot. I’m glad that you don’t tie your self worth to capitalism and the rat race, really, and I’m happy to know that you can work on something that feels fulfilling even if it’s a guilty pleasure that hurts you in the long run. Unfortunately that’s what capitalism often does to our work and aspirations… So please, do hang in there and don’t collapse, I believe in you and I will be here for you, cheering you on, always, no matter what. You’re always free to tell me more about your work, trust me, it makes me the happiest pup in the world just to hear from you. ❤️ ^^ Awwww, I’m just being honest about my feelings, you’ve also been really sweet to me and have made my life so much better, but please, don’t take your own life if you feel like you’ve wronged me, I’ll understand and be okay, but it would probably destroy me if you were to end yourself over me, so please don’t; I’d say in general one shouldn’t tie their life to an individual, life is too chaotic and unpredictable for that… but I do understand (hugs). No need to apologise for anything though, don’t worry. Ofc, I’ll keep updating you on my days even when you don’t reply and I’ll keep giving you all the hugs and kisses I have in me (infinite). I will give you so many hugs and let u rest on my tummy when you’re back, I promise ^^ Yeah, I’ll keep in mind that I have you, and I think about you every night. Don’t feel too bad for me, I will be okay, but yeah, your presence does always make me happier than anything else. ❤️ I too wish you well in your endeavors! I’ll let you know how today goes aswell. I can’t promise I’ll stay away from the Mitski albums (I won’t), sorry about that :3 We’ll see again, there is always a next time! Take good care of yourself too!! *smorch ❤️❤️❤️❤️ ^w^ M Guilty pleasures 11 October 2024 To M: I have a lot of guilty pleasures, and you’re not one of them. There are things that give me sensations of joy, but which I know will destroy, break, or corrode me in the long run. I know they’re bad, but I indulge, hence the guilt. There are people who bring me fun and thrills, who I know also bring me hurt, alienation, and emptiness. And hunger. Real hunger, the kind of hunger Mitski references to in her songs. The creeping hunger of being with someone to whom I am always second place. The hunger that I have to face again when the dopamine rush they filled me with had completely depleted. Like empty calories, they were never lasting, never nourishing, but always pleasurable. I watched a video the other day about “desire as a feeling of lack” vs “desire as a feeling of fullness”. Desire as lack serves as a good analogy, to point out that for those of us who grew up in a rat race, most of our “wants” and “needs” stem from dissatisfaction. To “want” is to chase an idea of comfort, not to cherish the existing. Maybe because of this we associate dissatisfaction with desire, maybe that’s why we find pleasure in what keeps us dissatisfied — that’s just my speculation. Anyway, I find it funny how we’re so deep in the mud that it makes no sense to say you “want” what you already have. When I do want what I have is when I feel at peace. Like the way I wanted you this morning (!!! jaw drop emoji). Sure, you can argue that you weren’t there, that you were in fact missing, but that’s not the point. It is not the lack of you that makes me want you, it’s your presence in the back of my mind, it’s the way you always remind me that I have you. I know I have you, and I want you still. I want your kiss and your hugs and your voice and your fingers, and I know you would give me that all the time, and I want them still. I already enjoy all of them, I already enjoy you, but I think the wanting part just gives me 10 times more joy. The contentment of getting what I want and wanting what I get. I feel full. ————— Of all the guilty pleasures I have, work is the greatest one. Greater than parties, fame, self isolation, petty revenge, substance, and other cheap thrills. Work gives me pride, purpose, the sense of accomplishment, the simple pleasure of doing things because you know how to, the beauty of the craft, the thrill of solving problems and overcoming challenges... I can go on. I keep doing things and I don’t know why. When the pleasure from work started to deplete and exhaust, I continued to work because it was clear to me that joy isn’t the point, the point is work. Work fuels me with the fear that it’s the only thing I’m good for, it’s the only thing that matters after I die, it’s the best I’ll ever get, etc. Sometimes, when we spent “too much” time together and it gets in the way of my work, I feel bad. Like I was being irresponsible, like I’m ought to be punished for my contentment, by getting mad at myself. I’ve come to realize that I feel bad not because of you, or what we do together, or how much time we spent, but because the way I feel about work. Part duty, part detrimental enjoyment. Things are suboptimal, and I am the kind of person who has romanticized both work and self isolation to irrecuperable extents. But at times, I chose to let you hold me instead of continuing to beat ms up. It’s the choice between a pleasure that makes me feel bad and a pleasure that makes me feel full, and I know this cruel world (or my brilliant brain) will tell me that I’m being spoiled and selfish for picking the better one. I have my qualms, but even I am affected when I see how much joy and care you allow yourself to have, at least around me. When you let loose and appreciate the moment, I am reminded that I’m allowed that, too. When you smiled with your eyes and said that hanging with me is enough for the day, I think I’ve taken the last bit of my stoicism and shoved it up my own ass. “To hell with it.” I thought to myself. “You are here with me and I’m holding your face. At least right here right now I don’t have to damage myself to feel good. This is real. We are real.” I don’t know how to end this entry. I largely don’t know what I’m saying. This whole thing might not make any sense. But I am writing this down and sending it to you, thereby intentionally constructing my reality, and I’m making it clear that I make space for you in it. You may not believe that, or anything written here, and that’s okay. You may not understand the implication nor reason behind this, and maybe there are none, but I guess there is a merit to the action that speaks for itself. [earth] <--- 3:30AM, we were here staring at walls together ⁂ From M: I’ve been thinking of how to reply to this for a while now, and still, no words feel like they’re enough. Nonetheless, I do want to atleast express some fraction of how this makes me feel and how you make me feel with the flawed and limited tools of language. I can relate to the guilty pleasures in my own way and the feeling of hunger which you described... so I am genuinely glad and happy that in this fucked up and chaotic world we live in, I can make you feel full and at peace the way you make me feel aswell. I truly hope that I can be a safe space for you to come to when everything feels like too much, when it feels like the structure that offers some partial stability feels like it’s crumbling and falling apart. It is true that you do have me, at all times, wherever you are, and I will keep reminding you of that every now and then so you never forget it. You too are in my heart and my mind now and always, whether you believe that or not; I don’t forget people who have helped me, and definitely not people like you who matter so much to me and have such a meaningful effect on my life. The way I feel when I’m with you, just me and you, together, is quite hard to describe with words. I feel at peace, full, enough... I am enough. I feel safe. I can cry or even just do nothing and it doesn’t feel like a waste of time or that I’m a burden. You make me feel valued and appreciated, just for being, for existing, even in the form I exist in which I often feel so terrible about. You make living with those parts of myself I despise and wish I could cut off bearable, sometimes even glad I have them; you’re the only one who makes me feel that way and that feeling lingers even when you’re not there. I don’t feel so ashamed of how I’ve suffered when I’m with you, I can lie down with you naked(both literally and metaphorically), have you feel me and put your head on my tummy, and I feel happy, genuinely happy. You are a safe space for me and in a way, the endless struggling, dragging myself through a swamp of knives so that I can maybe become something... just being close to you makes it all the more worth it. For those moments that we spend together, I can exist in the moment, appreciate it and not feel like the burden of my duties and worries that weigh on my shoulders all the time are going to crush me. I’m glad that I make you feel like you’re also allowed to just exist and appreciate the moment, it truly makes me really happy when you say that. You are enough, just like this, you matter and are important for just existing, atleast to me, even if forgetting that every now and then makes it possible for you to keep working in this capitalist hellscape. I may not understand the implication of your message and maybe you don’t understand the meaning behind mine even though it does make sense to me, but I suppose there is indeed merit to the actions that speak for themselves. Some things don’t necessarily need to be said in order to be communicated. *smorch ❤️ :) P.S. this message was written at midnight while listening to 3 full Mitski albums. Copywrong <3 2024-2025 147@e0x0e0.club